COMPUTER COLONICS

Re-enactment of an actual phone call before Mini-Lobster Season kicked off today

(Sunday, 3 days till mini-lobser season) Number unfamiliar, but local so I answer.

Male Voice: You and Dave neglected to tell me that an army of unbelievably rude and obnoxious assholes descend on the Keys this week.

I started to answer. Though I’m still not sure who it is, it is clearly a friend of Dave’s who has not been here for previous Lobster Mini-Seasons. He cut me off.

Male Voice: I’ve never seen anything like it. They are everywhere. In the stores, on the water and they are complete jerks. They have no idea what the rules on the water are. We were nearly killed by assholes racing through the no wake zone less than fifty feet from our dive flag. I had kids in the water snorkeling dammit. What the hell is wrong with these people?

Me: Mini-Lobster Season opens Wednesday. This happens every year. We arm the boats and mostly ignore it.

Male Voice: I have a hand gun. But …

Me: Not intimidating enough and you don’t want to shoot people unless you have to, you need a shotgun to blow-out their engine, so you can get away from them quickly.

Male Voice: You’re kidding me.

Me: Unfortunately, no. You chamber a round on a decent sized shot gun and the assholes will untie from your boat and back the hell off very quickly.

MV: They tie up to your boat? Who the hell DOES THAT? That’s happened to you?

Me: Yes. We haven’t had to actually shoot it but … it’s come out of the box once or twice. There are people who will tie up to your boat while you are diving. Most are harmless. Some want to steal your GPS numbers and / or your equipment. Sometimes they have worse intentions. Leave someone on your boat at all times and have a shotgun handy – especially during mini-lobster season. They figure you have scoped out al the spots, so if they see you bring up lobster, they will follow you all over the ocean for the rest of the day – and that’s fine, as long as they keep a safe distance.

MV: Jesus. When Dave talked me into buying a house down here he didn’t mention any of this crap. This is – traffic is – it’s unreal.

Me: I sympathize. You want to talk to Dave?

I handed the phone off to Dave. Dave spent the next half hour trying to talk his friend off the cliff’s edge and calm him down.

Sigh. I LOVE mini-lobster season. I don’t mind the insane tourists. The rudeness and criminal behavior doesn’t bother me. It’s bad, I won’t kid you on that score. It’s real bad, but I don’t care. Because most of the people are perfectly normal, if a little stressed, taking that last vacation in the Keys before summer ends and are happy to bring enough bugs back to the hotel room for dinner and a fun cookout with family. I’ve seen the scene played out over and over and it’s as heartwarming as a Saturday Evening Post cover by Normal Rockwell to my eyes.

We didn’t go out this morning. Dave’s illness has him exhausted and he had to get to Homestead for Dialysis by 1:30 so unless we got out at 4 am it wasn’t happening. But tomorrow? We will brave the jeung hoard for bugs with friends and hopefully get a few. If we are very lucky, we won’t even need the shotgun.

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Why, Yes. Yes my cat DOES want to kill you.

In our quest to find a good cleaning service for our home, we are having a little problem with Captain, the serial killer cat. While I know he’s a serial killer and dangerous as all hell because he’s put me in the ER twice, I’d hoped it was not so obvious to the average person. Cleaning lady one came once and refused to return. Could have been the cat, but she wouldn’t say.

Yesterday, Cleaning Service Two was visiting (while I was at work) to assess the work load and establish a price and schedule. Dave was showing a woman and her daughter through the house. Here is how he described what happened:

We were standing in the kitchen talk about terms when the woman stopped talking all of a sudden and stared at the cat, who was clearly stalking her.

Cleaning Lady to Dave: That cat looks like it wants to kill me.

Dave: Which cat?

CL: That brown tabby over there … (she point to Captain) … I’ve never seen a look like that from a cat. Is it dangerous?

Dave: It’s a cat. Completely harmless.

At this point I stopped Dave in the story telling and asked how he could lie like that. Of COURSE that cat is not harmless. As much effort as I have put in to taming that cat, it’s all I can do to handle it without blood being shed. I dread taking him to the vet for shots. Dave thinks I exaggerate. He said the ladies daughter ran over and picked Captain up and snuggled him and he was just fine.

Me: You let her pick him up?

Dave: Sure. Why not?

Me: Because Captain will take her face off if she’s not carefull. Never, ever let anyone pick that cat up without giving them a clear warning.

Dave: Jon Jon snagged him from her before captain went crazy.

Jon Jon is one of the few people Captain tolerates and still he’ll bite the hell out of Jon if he can get a good angle and grip on flesh. It’s just that Jon doesn’t care.

She’s agreed to come back and clean. Captain will be an outside cat on cleaning days.

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